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| I guess some of us still act like teenagers! |
Conflict will occur even in situations which are seemingly innocuous and involve friendships of all ages. Emma was the younger version of her mother Tammy, and the first time we met, she had one foot on the bicycle seat, the other extended straight out behind her and her arms followed suit. I quickly nicknamed her, “Cameron’s Circus Sideshow Friend”. Lori’s daughter, Emily was a sweet and precocious red head who at our first meeting stood in my drive way dipping pickles in a jar of peanut butter as she gave me the run down on her list of pets. Tammy was hilarious and Lori was warm and welcoming, their daughters were reflections of this and so, I welcomed the new friendships between our daughters and us, with open arms.
Surely, this was the stuff that a great “Lifetime” movies were made of. (Lifetime Movie Network, 2015) Indeed, this did have all of the elements of a great movie of the week, laughter, new confidantes, and sappy moments. However, it also had two other ingredients which I had forgotten about, drama and conflict.
I had to decide what the best options were in dealing with these conflicts and dramatic events as they unfolded. As the authors of the class text state when discussing conflict communication “Many people do not realize that they have options and can freely choose among them, with differing results” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014, p. 50). In this case I had to consider options which included, “avoidance/accommodation, competitive, or passive– aggressive conflict communication cycles” (Cahn & Abigail, 2014, p.51). As the authors argue, there is the ability for a productive resolution by utilizing the different approaches throughout the stages of communication. (Cahn & Abigail, 2014) Fortunately, I was able to practice effective communication and conflict techniques to bring some measure of positive closure to the situation, but not before my failure to abstain from partaking in gossip and ignoring troublesome harbingers contributed to an unpleasant situation.
Although, Cameron and I were both flattered that Tammy and Emma had taken us in to their confidence and shared their dislikes of certain personality traits about Lori and Emily, I should have realized the warning signs of gossip and recognized that conflict was certainly ahead. However, I was so happy that my daughter Cameron had found a seemingly nice friend, whose mother also seemed like someone I would like to get to know, that I ignored the fact that jealousy and competitiveness were growing amongst our little group. Before long, Cameron and Emma had become best friends and Emily was a mere after-thought. When I questioned this, both Emma and her mother assured me that the friendship had been more of an obligatory nature and not to worry. Their families knew one another from church, but had personal differences which made them want to limit the amount of contact. As argued by Hartup and Stevens, “Conflicts among adult friends are concentrated in two areas (Argyle & Furnham, 1983): emotional disagreements (beliefs, values, and social partners) and criticisms (over life-style, habits, and personal issues)” (Hartup & Stevens, 1997, p. 5). As indicated in the previous statement, there are distinct areas of conflict which are common to disagreements. These are inextricably linked to our social behaviors and will therefore contribute to interpersonal conflict. Occasionally, Cameron would come home and relay some of the snide comments Lori had made in passing about her daughter being left out things. I dismissed this, thinking that Emily was less mature. It was my opinion that absent blatantly destructive behaviors, teen friendships should continue without adult interference. I was not prepared that the conflict, which should have been nothing more than a spat, between our teenage girls would also become a full blown conflict amongst the parents. Indeed, by accepting that conflict will happen in any type of situation, we can then prepare by utilizing proven communication techniques to realize an effective resolution and while understanding how various personalities contribute to these efforts.
While different personality types certainly make interpersonal relationships more interesting, we must also consider the role they play in matters of disagreement and conflict. As is the case in friendships with teens, and eventually with my daughter and Emma, there was an overly dramatic conflict. However, I assumed this conflict would remain between the two of them and as parents we would rise above the teen angst. I couldn’t have been more mistaken. In a discussion of Enneagram personality types, the authors argue, “Dynamics of interpersonal conflicts include the personalities and perspectives of all people involved” (Tapp & Engebretson, 2010, p.3). The conflicts in which we are involved are directly related to our personality, that of others and how our viewpoints and approaches affect ongoing communication and resolution practices. In matters of conflict, attention must be given to the role that our personality traits play. In doing so, we can then begin to understand our personal triggers, strengths, weaknesses, and styles of conflict management. We can also learn how to deal more effectively with personalities who differ from ours and use appropriate methods to improve communication. Although, the other parents seemed to be easy going and friendly, there were certain triggers which I may have foreseen if I had better understood how different personalities deal with conflict.
The conflict between the girls escalated and before long it came to my attention that now my reputation was in question. Apparently, Emma had told her mother and Lori that I was not providing supervision. She also included a long list of quite scintillating details which were absolutely false and had no bearing in reality. As startling as this was, I began to put the pieces together and recalled an early conversation which I had dismissed as a joke, but now seemed entirely relevant to the matter at hand. I recalled that Tammy had titled her daughter as a “pathological liar” who regularly concocted wild stories. Given that Tammy was prone to exaggeration which made her tales even funnier; I discounted this statement as such. I now realized that I was the target of Emma’s tales which were being echoed all over town by her mother and Lori. While this slander caused great emotional distress for me, I wasn’t sure how to handle the situation without making school and social life even worse for my daughter. I was angry and wanted to take immediate action, but needed to consider the ramification of my actions.
Furthermore, stress and anger can accelerate a conflict and must be managed accordingly. Long states, “There is nothing inherently bad about stress, since at manageable levels it builds resilience” and “Emotions trigger a range of internal changes that prepare us for specific patterns of coping behavior. Thus anger arouses aggression, fear motivates escape, and shame leads to social withdrawal” (Long, 2014, p.3). Another view of conflict states, “When each side in a conflict perceives its motives and behaviors as more benevolent and legitimate than those of the other side, conflict assumes momentum” (McFarland, 1992, p.1). Individuals can recall prior instances of conflict to help manage stress, by understanding that conflict can build strength of character, especially when paired with the ability to manage anger. When these two emotions are managed, conflicts can be de-escalated and a positive outcome may be realized. I would argue that stress and anger are experienced by everyone involved in a conflict, but how those are dealt with varies greatly according to the individual. Whereas, I internalized my emotions during this conflict, the other parties became verbally aggressive and began an assault on my character and reputation. This is turn, caused my stress levels to increase and my anger to rise. Coping with this became quite difficult. I had to decide whether to remain silent and let the anger build or take this emotion and use it constructively.
Finally, it must be asserted that while conflict can be negative, there are positive outcomes as well. Negative outcomes of conflict may include, “Those who take conflict personally and ruminate are particularly likely to suffer from residual hurt and negative emotions toward offenders” (Miller & Roloff, 2014, p.17). Conversely, positive outcomes of conflict may be achieved by utilizing the following ideals,
“In cooperative situations, distributed knowledge and different perspectives tend to be viewed as complementary and interdependent, which, in turn, increases accurate perspective taking, reduces competence threat, and focuses participants' attention on coordinating different points of view to enhance the cooperative effort, all of which tends to enhance learning and productivity” (Johnson & Johnson, 2009, para 26).
The outcome of a conflict for an individual can be determined by approach and whether they choose to focus on personal aspects in a negative manner or seek an opportunity to gain additional perspective and work collaboratively on the task or issue in question. Often, a situation which begins negatively can have a positive conclusion if the parties are interested in pursuing constructive methods. In my situation, the other parents chose to involve themselves in our daughter’s conflict. This escalated into slanderous accusations against me to other parents. Rather than simply allowing my anger to dominate my response, I used the opportunity to turn a negative into a positive by initiating contact with the additional parents and opening a dialogue.
Upon discovering that another friend of my daughter was no longer able to spend the night at our house due to the slanderous and damaging statements about my character, I took action and initiated a phone call in which I encouraged the other parent to discuss her reservations about negative influences or behaviors that she believed were problematic. In doing so, I was able to address the false rumors, offer explanation, and clear the air. The use of “I” statements helped to affirm my willingness to reach out, engage, disclose, and confront the situation by opening myself to scrutiny from those expressing concern about my parenting skills and rumored behavior. Some statements included, “I understand you have concerns and may have been lead to believe certain untruths. Please feel free to ask me anything, and I will be happy to answer any questions or concerns you may have. I have nothing to hide.” This invited questions and an open and honest discussion, which in turn produced a positive resolution and allowed me to disengage from the negative parties while fostering new and healthy relationships with those willing to participate in open communication. In a discussion about why conflicts arise and the deeper meaning of conflict, the authors state, “…discussion of interpersonal conflict point to the importance of conceptualizing this construct in terms of individual’s perceptions of disagreement, interference and negative emotion, as well as in terms of the target at which these perceptions are directed” ( Barki & Hartwick, 2004, p. 220). This is illustrative of how settings and constructs contribute to interpersonal conflict and how the tasks associated with conflict create additional stressors or promote additional efforts for positive outcome, despite perceived differences in personality or belief systems.
Whereas, the other parents who had heard and believed the slander had at first been unwilling to consider that the information from their fellow church parishioner might be anything other than truthful and accurate, my determination to achieve some type of clarity through communication proved to alleviate their fears and reticence. In a study concerning the role of emotions and their connection with communication in conflict, scholars assert, “Despite the advances in research on emotions that suggest that the presence of negative emotions, this does not mean there is an absence of positive emotions” (Todorova, Bear, & Weingart, 2014, p. 1). Additionally, they found that by increasing the amount of information an individual is given with regard to the issue of conflict, the chances of a better or more favorable response increased exponentially. In other words, they found the more that individuals perceived progress toward a goal, the less frustration or negativity they expressed. In matters of interpersonal communication and conflict this may translate into individuals feeling as if their views are being heard and recognized, thus decreasing angst and increasing positive communication. In this situation I was able to recognize and validate the concerns of the other parents by listening and addressing the specific issues which were problematic. Additionally, I invited them to speak with others they knew whose children were regular guests and overnight visitors in my home.
Perhaps, I was foolish to believe there could still be a positive outcome with the aggressors in this situation, but I did. Only did realize the futility of this when I saw Emma and her brothers at the store, extended a courteous greeting, and stood in shocked silence as they continued past me as if I were not even there. At first I thought they must not have seen or heard me, but soon realized my error, when Tammy followed suit, only to have her obviously nervous husband acknowledge my presence by nodding his head in a very embarrassed manner. In an article entitled, “Agreeableness, Social Self-Efficacy, and Conflict Resolution Strategies” the authors argue that in addition to personality as an important factor in conflict resolution, the willingness to be agreeable contributes significantly to ongoing and effective communication. According to the authors “Thus, developing effective conflict resolution strategies is a central skill to establishing and maintaining positive relationships throughout the life course” (Field, Tobin, & Reese-Weber, 2014, p.1). Thus, individuals must be willing to believe that a positive outcome can be reached.
I never expected the teen angst of our daughters to spill over into adult interaction. I certainly never expected that it would devolve into gossip and slander. Rather than resorting to name calling or denigration of the instigators, I simply placed a phone call to the individuals who I had been told were concerned with what they had been told about me. After assessing the situation, I was able to use effective conflict and communication techniques to improve the situation and end the troublesome atmosphere. By being direct and unemotional when speaking with the parents as I sought to clear my name and using various communication approaches throughout the conflict I would argue that this was a “Best Practices” approach. No individual is immune from conflict and although these types of interactions can be painful, we can take our experiences of dealing with personalities different from ours, identify those things which bring about stress and anger, recognize the negative and positive aspects of situations, and use these as tools to improve future communications.
References
Barki, H., & Hartwick, J. (2004). Conceptualizing the construct of interpersonal conflict. International Journal of Conflict Management, 15(3), 216-244.
Cahn, D. D., & Abigail, R. A. (2014). Managing conflict through communication (5th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.
Field, R. D., Tobin, R. M., & Reese-Weber, M. (2014). Agreeableness, social self-efficacy, and conflict resolution strategies. Journal Of Individual Differences, 35(2), 95-102. doi:10.1027/1614-0001/a000131
Hartup, W. W., & Stevens, N. (1997). Friendships and adaptation in the life course. Psychological Bulletin, 121(3), 355-370. doi:10.1037/0033-2909.121.3.355
Johnson, D. W., & Johnson, R. T. (2009). Energizing learning: The instructional power of conflict. Educational Researcher, 38(1), 37-51. Retrieved from http://search.proquest.com/docview/216905268?accountid=32521
Lifetime Movie Networks, 2015. http://www.mylifetime.com/
Long, N. J. (2014). Disengaging from conflict cycles. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 23(1), 33.
McFarland, W. P. (1992). Counselors teaching peaceful conflict resolution. Journal Of Counseling & Development, 71(1), 18-21.
Miller, C. W., & Roloff, M. E. (2014). When hurt continues: Taking conflict personally leads to rumination, residual hurt and negative motivations toward someone who hurt us. Communication Quarterly, 62(2), 193-213. doi:10.1080/01463373.2014.890118
Tapp, K., & Engebretson, K. (2010). Using the Enneagram for client insight and transformation: A type eight illustration. Journal Of Creativity In Mental Health, 5(1), 65-72.
Todorova, G., Bear, J. B., & Weingart, L. R. (2014). Can conflict be energizing? A study of task conflict, positive emotions, and job satisfaction. Journal Of Applied Psychology, 99(3), 451-467. doi:10.1037/a0035134
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